MALIBU'S NON-RESIDENT PSYCHIC

When we lived in Malibu, one of our close-by neighbors was Averi Torres, aka Malibu's Resident Psychic (R), and Psychic to the Stars (TM).  After reading her recent predictions for 2014 in the Malibu Times, [e.g. "Obamacare will see a lot of hiccups"], I had a vision that I too have the gift.  So here are my prognostications for the coming year.

Predicting what will not happen is easier than foreseeing what will, so here are some non-events, many of which you can bet the farm on:

*  Harold Camping will not make any End Of The World Predictions this year [unashamedly stolen from the Tomato Addict - h/t TA].
*  The Mayans are also still wrong about the EOTW.
*  The Nuggets will not win the NBA Championship.
*  The Rockies will not win the World Series.
*  The Avs will not win the Stanley Cup.
*  The CU-Men's basketball team will not win the NCAA Tournament.
*  The CU-Women's basketball team will not win the NCAA Tournament [curmudgeontary - if this team is the 12th best college team in the country, women's basketball is in sad shape.  I think I could put together a Grand Masters team that could beat them].
*  The Broncos will not win the Super Bowl.
*  No President of a Division I University will eliminate football...unfortunately.
*  Richard Dawkins will not become a Catholic.
*  The Pope will not become an atheist.
*  Ken Ham will not get his Ark built.
*  And speaking of global floods, there won't be one in 2014.

Some things that will happen in 2014:

*  Genetic analysis will show that Obama is actually 55% white, and the Republicans will immediately embrace him and all of his policies.
*  Global warming denialists will continue to not understand the difference between climate and weather.
*  The Tea Party will adopt Boulder's Celestial Seasonings as their tea-of-choice.
*  Ricky Martin will hook up with Anderson Cooper.
*  Hillary will hook up with Oprah.
*  Cyrus will hook up with Bieber.
*  Ted Cruz will hook up with Jared Polis.
*  4-20 Day at CU Boulder will be disbanded.
*  Zonker Harris will become a multimillionaire legally selling his artisan bud in Colorado.
*  Newt Gingrich will re-reinvent himself as a Democrat.
*  Ed & Mary will rack up a couple of more birthdays.
*  There will be over 1,000,000 earthquakes and nearly 50 hurricanes.
*  The Cumbre Viejo tsunami will devastate the east coast.
*  The Dow will hit 18,000 and I will be able to retire early [oh wait.....]

And as you may have guessed, here is my favorite psychic.